These are:
1. unmet expectations
2. thwarted intentions
3. undelivered communications
We will look more closely at each one:
Unmet expectations
We are always moving into the future. Therefore, our life is full of expectations. We expect this, we expect that. In fact, we plan for our expectations. When we have planned and undertaken the actions necessary to fulfill our expectations we expect
to get our result. And when we fail to get our expectation, we become upset. Our expectation is unmet. This is our human nature.
Sometimes our expectations are not met because of forces completely beyond our control, such as an earthquake or power failure, etc. More often, our expectations are not met because someone who had given their word to do something failed to deliver. They either forgot (didn't care), or lied, or didn't pay proper attention, or were just plain sloppy and uncaring. Lack of both caring and integrity in our human relations is the most common cause of upsets.
Thwarted intentions
When we have an intention to create something and take action toward that end, we are upset when someone or something block us from accomplishing our intended result. Sometimes the impediment is something beyond human control. Still, it is an upset. But if another human being interferes with our intention and stops us from accomplishing it, the upset is even greater. It produces hatred. It will leave us in a state of helpless rage. It will invite our revenge.
Undelivered communications
The upset created by undelivered communications takes two forms:
a. Something we want to communicate to another person is blocked by that person. They refuse to hear what we have to say. Instead of listening, they argue. They stop us from speaking. They reject our communication out of hand. We remain unheard. We feel rejected and not respected.
b. Someone withholds information intended for us. They fail to pass along a communication they promised to deliver to us. They distort the original communication, causing problems and breakdowns. They change the communication to suit their own ends. We feel abused and violated.
from Werner Erhard, founder of the est training
I agree with all of those, I find them all really annoying too. I think that all three of those "major upset causes" are usually caused when two or more people expect something totally different from each other, which then causes confusion and upset, although I could be wrong about that. I think you've got the three major causes of upset totally correct.
ReplyDeleteThat's why it is important to have a conversation and come to an agreement. This way all are on the same page and get what the expectations are.
DeleteNice...
These reasons all stated above are behind my decision to distance myself from certain family members and have limited communications with them.
ReplyDeleteI don't make friends. I have trouble talking to people. I don't see them often enough for friendships to last. I want someone to cling to me and I won't mind. Is that so wrong of me? I thought I wanted that adorable, baby faced girl but...she had no spark to light my fire. She wasn't ready yet when I was.
ReplyDeleteSo when the break-up came, I didn't tell her things some things. I was mechanical and logical. I just wanted to be done with her so I ended the call.
I don't want to be her friend. I don't want to remember her. I have gone through everything that reminds me of her and deleted or trashed everything. There were only couple items I took back. I'm never gonna look back. I don't want to remember her phone number, her address, name of the street. Just forget everything.
Forget.
Forget.
Forget.
Who was...X? I don't care about X's. X's are strangers. I don't care enough to remember strangers. Strangers aren't dear to me. Who is...NO! NO NO NO BLACK IT OUT! I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER *THOSE THINGS*!
Forget.
Forget.
Forget.
Don't say anything.
Don't give anything away.
Bury it.
There's nothing to say. Say to who? I forget. Meh I don't care...I got stuff to do.
You are upset..... distinguish which of the 3 above is the cause and get it complete and be happy!
DeleteThis comes straight out of Landmark Education who also copyrights their content. I learned this years before 2011. Then I have my own questions about copyrighting its self!
ReplyDeleteThe EST training developed by Werner Erhard is the precursor to Landmark Education. Most or all of the EST training has been incorporated into the Landmark Seminars. I am fairly certain a financial transaction took place giving Landmark either ownership of the EST training or the rights to use it and develop the Landmark curriculum directly from the EST training.
DeleteRegardless of the history and when the distinction was first distinguished and under the auspices of either Werner Erhard and Associates or Landmark Education, you should attribute the source. You did not come up with this on your own.
DeleteI'm a graduate of several Landmark programs, including the Upset Seminar more than 20 years ago--and I strongly suspect that you, Duart, are a graduate, as well. The three causes of "upset" that you list in this blog are, verbatim, exactly the way that Landmark categorizes them. I've found them to be very helpful in sorting through upsets in my own life. I suggest that Unknown, who wrote you about this in February 2017, is upset with your failure to attribute the three causes to Landmark because Unknown perceives it as withholding information that is intended for us, the public, in order to clearly understand your message. I have no idea whether Landmark's ideas are protected by copyright because Werner Erhard drew his own course content from many sources--his contribution was creating an interactive group course that presented the information in a certain way. On the other hand, I think that Landmark graduates would be more receptive to your clearly beneficial services if--to use another Landmark phrase--you "cleared up" this failed communication by acknowledging its origin. To not acknowledge it appears deceitful, whether you intended it to be not or. Just a suggestion, of course. You must choose to clear it up or not clear up as you see fit. If you are a Landmark graduate, it would be a mark of integrity to clear up this point.
DeleteI also learned this from EST. I think it was an integral component of the Communications Workshop. The concept may have been in another workshops. It was a long time ago and I don’t remember clearly. Peanut butter. As pointed out above, it’s also part of the Forum process.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I dislike about the above description is that it’s other-centric. Undelivered communications are often our own doing. We can be upset with others because of a missed opportunity to communicate that which would have avoided a misunderstanding. The subtle difference is that between ‘being done to’ and taking ownership of the misunderstanding. The Forum goes into this with the concept of boobytraps.
A couple other things that I learned may be worth contemplating. First, all three upset components are present but to varying importance. Second, we’re intrinsically upset and use causes as leverage to demonstrate our upset-ness.
Stephen, you are right--the causes of upset can be caused, although need not be, by the person who is experiencing the "upset." That's a very good point. A person who causes an upset in order to capitalize on it is obviously running an "upset" racket, ironically enough--making her or herself right,and making the other person wrong. Nicely spoken!
DeleteMerely KNOWING the causes of an upset doesn't resolve any given upset. Knowing can be a beginning, however, in understanding what your expectations were in order to achieve some intended result that got thwarted. Finally, the communication is not just about what happened to you, but what you can communicate to someone who did or didn't do something that led to your upset, including your own perpetration in setting up the circumstances.
ReplyDelete